This following post is an intimate Insight of myself and a little excuse why I haven’t published for a while. And it’s connected to love relations. To mine better said. Yes, this lovely thing everyone wants. A perfect partner for your life, who makes you happy and loves you just as you are.
Well, I have found a partner who is not perfect, just like me. The imperfect perfect partner. And who sometimes struggles accepting me the way I am. Like I do with him. But we keep choosing each other. We keep doing our best and getting better together. Because loving each other is one thing, but getting along with each other in a long term relationship is another subject.
And we are also not happy all the time. There are lots of things that we don’t agree with. We argue and sometimes our fights get a bit crazy, this latin „locura“ way of craziness. Just like in Mexican telenovelas. Crashing doors, yelling persons, tears, a final hug. We struggle with our communication and sometimes I am really upset or even desperate about how to explain to him what I mean. He just doesn’t get it. And I am sure reverse happens the same (not sharing the same mother tongue is not a big help but increases daily misunderstandings). All these conflicts, fights,attempts and reconciliations are costing energy.
But then we sit in front of each other, both exhausted and tired of fighting and asking why the hell do we do that. Then we start from zero, speaking with honesty and transparency to each other. These are the moments we really connect. Moments when he sits in front of me after a strong argument, with tears in his eyes telling me what he feels and what is hurting him.
And of course there are doubts. Sometimes I ask myself: „Is that really the relationship I want? Is he the perfect partner for me? Or do I not deserve a person who also connects spiritually to me? Who shows me every day how much he loves me? And gives me that feeling of being loved and accepted? But can anyone really complete these parameters?
There is no perfect partner. But the perfect imperfect partner, challenging you and making you grow. A partner is not there to make you happy and comfortable, it’s an agreement of two souls to relate to each other and help to work with each others issues. A partner is your mirror and your companion in taking the road of self development and mutual growth.
Your partner is not there to make you happy or to feel complete
In these 4 years of being with my partner I learned so much about myself and relations ( I admit: couples in their golden age will now laugh about the short path we shared, and how much is still in front of us. I honestly admire some couples that are just in peace with each other, having found a way to fully accept each other without trying to change the other person. They face the everyday with calm and acceptance. So I am looking forward to learn exactly the same in the next years and years, in the relationship I am living.)
I am not only a yoga teacher or blogger, but a person, just like you.
But the few things I’ve learned, which I consider important, I want to share with you today. First to remember that I am not only a yoga teacher or blogger. But a person with my relations and everyday stuff I have to deal with, just like you. So sometimes life is challenging me and everything gets a bit out of control. Then I need some rest and a break of writing. That’s my time of introspection. That’s why I haven’t published anything in the last month.
Relationship is work.
And second to point out that a relationship is a hard piece of work. It’s a journey of two people, choosing each other everyday again, sharing an everyday with the good and the bad sides. Figuring out again and again, how to deal with each other and continuously reconnecting after splitting up. So here are my top 10 lessons about relationships.
10 lessons I learned after my 4 years relationship – with my imperfect partner
1) Your partner is not responsible for your happiness.
Blaming is a usual phenomenon in relationships. Especially daily tasks can cause a huge drama. Maybe some of the following sound familiar?
„You never clean the table!“
„I always have to wash the dishes!“
„You never put out the hairs from the sink!“
And from cleaning the bathroom and having not received the wanted credit for it, we enter into a big argument about household tasks. Here you can read how to avoid that kind of fights.
Another reproaches could be:
„You never go to dance with me. You know how much I love it.“
„Instead of spending the money in your car, we could spend it to travel together.“
„Your bad morning mood is making me sick.“
Sure our partner always can be more careful and considerate. But we have to admit that the only one you can blame is yourself. You are responsible for how you are dealing with the situations. Suffering is always a decision. He’s grumpy in the mornings? Who cares. It will pass. He doesn’t like to dance? Well, then go and dance by yourself. Do you like everything your partner does?
2) Your relationship will trigger deep issues, that have been there before.
Have you ever heard of your inner child? Yes, this little vulnerable kid, that sometimes takes overhand and controls our action. Sometimes you are grouchy and defiant like a 7 year old girl. And sometimes we act that way with our partner. All at the sudden you hear stuff like: „You don’t sit next to me in the train because you don’t care about us! It was not important to you to sit next to me.“ What? It was a 20minutes ride and those seats were basically cheaper. But that isn’t important to the other person at that moment. Because it’s the inner child speaking.
Our inner child has wounds, wounds which are not healed and that can be opened again and again. A deep loving relationship is number one in activating old subjects. Then we have to face it and work it out, in order to heal our inner child and release old burdens. When your inner child (in both) appears, the first task as a couple is to identify these situations and being aware of that it is nothing personal. It’s nothing that comes directly from the relationship, but that was activated by a certain situation.
As partners, we can only help each other being patient, compassionate and aware about the child speaking in ourselves or the other.
For our own inner child we need to learn to act in a responsible and self loving way. To listen carefully to that inner voice and learn to heal those wounds.
Our partner can help us by developing a highly sensitive skill of listening in order to identify when the inner child is speaking. When we acquire those qualities, our relationship creates a nutritive and helpful space to heal inner wounds, without paying an expensive psychotherapy.
3) You need to learn the others love language
The way, how you express love is not a worldwide standard. Each person shows love in a different way. And that has a lot to do with how you have been educated and what role models you have experienced. In my case, we come from totally different cultures and very different ways of education. How to love is a question we surely haven’t got answered the same way when we were kids. So here we are, two adults who need to learn the others love language. Verbal expression is very important to me, while he’s expressing his affection with gestures. So while I am waiting for a simple „I love you and am happy to wake up next to you every day“, he comes back from the supermarket with a package of chickpea flour, because he knows I can’t take wheat flour.
You see, expressing your affection for the other person is not under the same codex. Speak with your partner. We need to get to know each others love language. How does he/she express love? In which way is it easy for your partner to understand, that you are expressing that you love him/her or that she/he is important to you?
4) We need to learn to communicate
Love language is one part. The other is communication. We usually tend to blame and speak about the other instead of expressing our feelings and telling what we need. If we could say clearly what are our personal needs and wishes, it might be so much easier to come to a common conclusion. My favorite is still Non violent communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. There you follow four easy steps: observations, feelings, needs, requests. I truly recommend to learn more about how to communicate in partnerships.
5) Keep a balance between work and pleasure
Relationship is a lot of work, constantly. Persons are always in development, so are relations. There’s no ok now that we figured out this, we are in peace. I promise the next conflict will come and needs to be renegotiated. Relationships are not a fixed thing. They are in movement as its a together of two human beings. So we need to learn how to ride the waves. A long lasting relationship is hard work and needs commitment and patience.
But just as important is to experience pleasure in our relationship. We need to create space to have fund together, to experience a relaxed moment and enjoy the partnership. Those moments are essential in order to keep the balance and keep connected to each other.
6) Set common goals, have a project
It doesn’t matter if it’s a big or a small project. It could be common life project or simply learning together another language. Planning the next trip, or changing your diet together. Having something to work onto together, increases the team spirit in your relation.
7) Each persons is on its own way of personal development — in time and subjects
Sometimes I really get upset, when my partner doesn’t get how important a special thing is for me. Or when he starts to change his mind about something after talking to a friend, while I keep telling that for 2 years already. Now you realize that? Seriously. You should have had listened to me. —But every person has its own personal growing process. And in time and subject it might differ from yours. Maybe for your partner a certain issue is not a present need to learn. He/She focuses on other stuff, while for you it’s exactly that what you’d like him/her to learn. Well, ladies and gentleman, the only solution is to accept and let things happen when it’s time for them to happen. Surrender and love.
8) You won’t always feel that deep connection
I started my relationship feeling deeply connected and usually that feeling increased. Recently I feel more disconnected. We are both working on different projects, our daily routine is getting boring. And at night we hardly go to bed together (I am an early bird, he’s a night active). There are many parameters that help to loose the feeling of connection in a relationship. And in my case it sometimes reaches a point, that I get so sensitive to that feeling that I explode and tell him under tears that I am scared that we are loosing our special connection. Thanks god, he’s more relaxed with that (or less sensitive). And he gives me a huge hug, telling me no, it’s just a different period in our relationship. Don’t worry. Nothing has been lost.
9) You need to make space for the Individual and the „We“ in your relationship
After the first years of being all the time together, sharing everything, friends, hobbies, interests, travels, I reached a moment were I felt as I have forgotten who I am without him. And two of the most important things for me in life are independence and freedom. And I kinda questioned if I feel still that free and independent in my relationship. When I then went to India for two months, alone, it was also quite obvious that there was some kind of dependency from his side. Instead of being able to use the time for his projects and music, he suffered from the local distance between us.
We got one thing clear, we need to balance the „we“ and „I“ part in our relationship. It’s wonderful to be able to share everything, but it’s also important to be able to enjoy the relationship living each one’s individuality. I very much enjoy the time when I do something for myself, while he’s having fun with his friends. It’s good to know, whether you are spending time together or by your own, you have a stable partner on your side.
10) You are always better than yesterday — Don’t worry.
The first „lovebird“ time is magical. Everything feels easy, light and it is like you always will be that happy together. You love everything about the person in front of you. After some time (months or years) you move together, daily routine catches you. You get used to each other. Time comes that you realize, not everything of the other one is that perfect. This time is called disillusionment. The wonderful illusion of your perfect better half is starting to crumble. Then you might have those moments of asking yourself what you have lost or what has changed. Why don’t we have the same magical feeling as at the beginning?
— Because you grow.
And that’s exactly how it should be. Just because this lovely gut feeling of the beginning has decreased, doesn’t mean it disappeared. Maybe it has been transformed? Now you might find the feeling of contentment and happiness about your relationship in different things and situations. Even if you fight, argue, stress yourself, and then love again. That’s okay. We don’t need a 100% of the time smiley couple. Because a relationship is there to grow. It’s the agreement of two souls to work together on certain issues, help each other and be supportive. And when you start this way of mutual growth, it won’t be always jolly and cheerful. You will be sad, sometimes desperate, sometimes disappointed. But as a couple — facing this challenge, you learn and grow every day. Because living your life together, practicing endurance and love, you will getting better with every day together.
So take out the drama, and simply love each other. Treat each other kindly and practice acceptance and tolerance. I am still struggling sometimes but learning everyday.
Are you also having a challenging time with your partner? Or do you know that household argument thing? I want to know about it. Share your experience in the comments or let me know if this post was helpful!